I really enjoyed the Winter Olympics, except for all the whining done by everyone but the athletes. It’s too bad we can’t have sporting events that don’t require human judging. Like bowling.
Of course, events that are judged by score or time can’t be disputed. That would seem to take the sporting event of whining out of the equation. Russian sportsmanship—sounds like an oxymoron.
I can see the International Olympic Committee sitting around discussing bowling as a medal sport with the likes of bowling writer Chuck Pezzano or former ABC executive director Roger Tessman. Someone would end up in protective custody.
With all the professionals in the Olympics now, I wonder how we would select the bowlers representing the United States. Would the event be a five-man team event or singles? If it’s a team event, would the lineup be based on individual expertise or just in random order?
Since NBC has already announced that for its ratings to rise it won’t show the so-called “dull” sports, such as curling. So if bowling should be considered dull, I recommend that we put it on educational television since a recent poll showed that bowlers have a higher intelligence.
The selection of athletes will be very difficult because the Olympic experience is not cheap. So we would probably have to rule out non-working mothers, active reserves, slightly pregnant women, and those half-dead. That will certainly cause a lawsuit that will go directly to the Supreme Court, and the unofficial record will read like the holy wars.
The IOC will decide that bowling should not be a medal sport, bowling’s loyal opposition will come under friendly fire, and the whole thing will get pretty ugly.
But, once the ruling is made and the bowlers realize that their dream of Olympic gold is over, they will turn to AMF and request a friendly takeover of the IOC. ABC, WIBC, and all the bowling integers will create a genuine imitation of the IOC.
If all this sounds like science fiction, it’s because it’s supposed to. Good grief, it’s all in fun.
Earlier in this column I wrote: “Russian sportsmanship—sounds like an oxymoron.” Well, inside the article I have 17 oxymorons. How many can you identify?
In case you don’t know, an “oxymoron” is a common phrase made of two words that appear to be contradictory.
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